Women: Where have you placed your centre?

When we place our centre in another person’s transformation or their willingness to change, we unknowingly abandon ourselves. 

One of the biggest challenges I see for women who are engaged in this work, is the desire to have men change or be different in some way. 

I will raise my hand right now, and let you know, I have fallen into this trap. On multiple occasions. Thinking that if Rod would just do something that I wanted him to do, I would feel more love, more vital and more alive. 

Whilst it may have soothed me momentarily, the underlying factor within me was still unresolved. And it would then lead to more internal tension and discomfort for me. 

What changed was that I became more deeply curious about my inner world when I felt uncomfortable. 

What do I mean by that?

It means that I pause. I stop whatever I am doing and simply feel the discomfort in my body. I become curious about the thoughts and the beliefs that are present. 

Oftentimes, those thoughts and beliefs can be focused on Rod, how he needs to change, how he should be different. However, I noticed that those thoughts and beliefs left me feeling more tense, more locked up in my body. 

It can be so challenging to switch the direction of my attention. 

I learnt to interrupt those thoughts, to enquire about the beliefs I was holding, and to stay present with my inner experience. Actively using body, breath and feelings as meditation. 

Then something shifted.. 

I started to feel lighter, more love, more freedom. 

As a result of being focused on my experience. 

And leaving Rod free to be Rod. 

I feel more open and more connected to myself. Which has a very specific effect on Rod and our relationship. When my energy and attention is in my body, he becomes drawn magnetically towards me. He becomes so much more curious about who I am, what I want and what I need. 

And in those moments, when he doesn’t notice me, then I am okay, because my energy and attention is centered in me. 

Leaving both of us free to be exactly where we are in that moment. 

I remain connected to myself regardless. 

My feeling of love and freedom is no longer dependent on his experience. 

However, when my attention is on him and his experience, it’s most common that I inadvertently push him away. The energy of lack, of pressure, of needing to be validated in some way unfortunately has the opposite effect of what is desired. 

Okay.. this is deep and it’s a lot, but stay with me. 

I encourage you to take a deep breath and simply feel the effect of this on your body. 

This is a regular conversation that arises in women’s sessions and spaces. Many women believe that their lives would be better, if only the men in their lives were different. And what’s important is to recognise that as a partial truth. 

Because as women, we cannot change men, we cannot make them change, through will or intellect. Conversations and analysis alone will not inspire his love and devotion, he needs to be willing to transform. Men (and women) are very sensitive to when someone is delivering information in an attempt to change him (or her), and this can create further resistance and disconnect. 

Embodiment, enquiry and space invite the possibility of transformation - in ourselves and in others. 

The only place where we can be 100% responsible for change is our own inner experience. 

As women change internally, there are two possible experiences in an intimate relationship:

1. As she opens, feels more deeply connected to herself, embraces her essential nature, the man in her life feels inspired and curious, he wants to deepen, he wants to meet her in those places. It may not be automatic, but inspiring a curiosity and willingness to explore a new way of being and relating. For some men, it may be a more automatic shift, depending on their life experiences.

This situation has many layers and nuances. It will require time and energy from both partners, with the willingness to grow and plateau, to grow and plateau. To inspire and to be inspired. When both parties are willing to practice embodiment, to self-enquire and be curious, all sorts of possibilities arise for the future. 

This is the experience I have with Rod, at times I grow and inspire his next stage of growth. At other times, his growth inspires my growth. Other times, we both plateau, until the next moment of growth and awakening arises for one of both of us. 

OR:

2. As she opens, the distance in the relationship becomes wider and wider. Conversations more stilted, sexual experiences absent or disconnected. He withdraws more and more, becoming unresponsive to her feelings and requests. In this instance, a woman will need to make a choice either to stay and live independently inside the relationship or to leave and begin a new life. 

The woman living with distance, withdrawal and disconnect as her daily experience in a relationship, may spend years waiting and longing for something to be different. Feeling disappointed, despondent and alone. Living with tension and not knowing what to do. This is a very challenging dynamic to live in, and it will impact a woman’s health and wellbeing. 

This is why I offer women the opportunity to find their own centre, because it’s from that space, she remembers that he is not the source, but she is the source.

She is the source of her love, her vitality and freedom. And from that place, she can make the discerning choices she needs to make.

If you recognise yourself in this pattern, whether it's a current or past relationship dynamic, perhaps Women's Retreat is the space for you to return to you. 

During the upcoming Women's Retreat, you will have the opportunity to deepen your journey of living as the source in the company of beautiful and powerful women.