Why are Intimate Relationships so Hard?

This is a question that comes up for both women and men around relationships. It’s not easy. It’s easy to assume that once we find a partner that the relationship should just work. That if we find the “right person” it will all just happen naturally.

Guess what? It doesn’t.

There isn’t an area of life that is valuable or important that we don’t need to train or practice to become skillful at. And that includes relationships.

But why specifically are relationships so hard?

There is a reason why relationships are so challenging, triggering and at times infuriating. At some point men and women decided relationships were meant to be a pleasant refuge from the harsh realities of life. And they can be. But like most things in life there’s layers of complexity.

What else could relationships be for?

Well procreation for some is one, the essential human quality of connection, the desire to co-create a life with another, the fact that life is just way more enjoyable with someone to share it with, and countless more.

Let’s take a side step for a moment.

Another aspect of being a human is awareness. We are the only species on the planet that is self aware. And human culture, eastern or western, has always been fascinated with growing that awareness. From primitive times creating fire, hunting and gathering, creating tools to make life easier and more proficient, from caves, to shelters, cabins, homes and cities. Slowly we grew as humanity.

Then there was spiritual growth. No matter what lineage, for thousands of years humans have desired spiritual growth. Seeking the meaning to life. Perhaps growing through experiences: emotionally, mentally and spiritually could be the meaning. All of that points to becoming more loving as a human.

What if intimate relationship is the ultimate domain for spiritual growth? How would that work?

Our intimate partners would have to see exactly who we are, who we are being, all our dirty little secrets we hide from the outside world, how we behave when no one else is looking, they would have to know us inside and out, when we hurt, when we are sad, the things that makes us happy and joyous. They would even see our shadows, the parts of ourselves that we hide from that drive our behaviours and personalities, our self. Hhhmmmmm….

This is what makes relationships so hard, challenging, triggering and at times infuriating. Because our intimate partners are always reflecting back to us all the ways we are unconscious.

What does unconscious mean?

It means they highlight every aspect of our Self that we are unaware of. Every part of us that is less than love. The more conscious we become, the more loving we become.

How do you know how awakened a person is? Observe how loving they are during the worst moments of their life.

Our partners know better than anyone else all the ways we are less than who or what we want to be. All the ways we believe we aren’t good enough, our failure to be who we want to be as a human. They see everything that gets in the way of us being more loving. And they let us know. That is why it is so hard at times.

We have to know how to navigate this, how to work with it. How to turn life's crap into tomorrow's fertiliser to grow beyond our limitations, to grow beyond the aspects that limit the flow of love in our lives and the lives of others.

And there are specific tools, skills and ways of interacting with our partner that help us to unravel these knots of tension, hurt, and pain that create disconnect between a couple.

This is the training that most people never receive, but is so desperately needed. The training that will support you and your intimate partner to experience deep fulfilling intimacy - on all levels - that will transform your life.

Relationships highlight to us the work that needs to be done, and the area where growth is needed.

Without adequate tools, you and your partner will keep on cycling around the same loops of conflict, distrust and unloving behaviours.

With the right tools, you will experience an abundant flow of love, trust and intimacy.

WITH LOVE, ROD.