What Holds Men Back From the Freedom of Healthy Masculinity

men's work written by rod gordon Feb 13, 2022
What Holds Men Back From the Freedom of Healthy Masculinity


So many questions about men being too feminine, women being too masculine, attraction, sexuality, polarity. What’s a man to do with all that?

Here’s my view on the foundational basics.

Firstly, the terms masculine and feminine have nothing to do with men, women or gender.

Animating more feminine qualities as a man will attract women who animate more masculine qualities and vice versa.

Another way of saying that, is men who lead with feminine qualities, have those qualities or energy more towards the front of their body. Initially this will create attraction, and although it may be very strong physically, emotionally and sexually… It will die out if these qualities are not your native or natural disposition at the very core of your being.

Many people I work with often just want to be themselves, to be what feels natural to them. This is an incredibly crucial point AND, is often a source of major confusion.


When I first heard of the concept of masculine and feminine energy I thought I was more feminine as a man, perhaps 50/50 at best.

I realised that not only was I wrong, but I was extremely masculine. I couldn’t see it at first, one reason I couldn’t see it was, I was not authentically expressing myself from the core of who I am.

I was expressing myself from the place of learned experiences, both conscious and unconscious that I had accumulated throughout my life.

Habits and patterns of behaviour I had learned and emulated from family, friends, partners, TV, society and culture. These experiences were how I had learned to make decisions, create values and beliefs that governed my choices in life.

The problem with this is, so much of what I learned was through fear and bad experiences. I learned to make choices to avoid “bad things” happening. This is a form of avoidant behaviour, and not my authentic behaviour.

At the time these choices felt natural, normal and authentic, I believed I was being true to myself, being who I was. Until I became aware that there was something else driving my choices.


By making decisions to avoid fear I began to create a shell of protection around me.

The intention for my decisions was to protect myself from getting hurt. This started at a very young age. My life became a series of habits and patterns that were disconnected from who I really am, what I believe and what I want or desire to create. Especially sexually and in relationship. This is what led me as a man to animate a lot of feminine energy.

A simple example from my life was – I saw many men who were macho, abusive and degrading, particularly towards women. Because of the fear of being a “bad man” I chose to animate more feminine qualities, to be softer, gentle and as NICE as I could be, to create connection and alignment with women.

I wanted them to see I was different, that I wasn’t a “bad man”. The feminine qualities are part of who I am, yet I chose them for the wrong reason. I didn’t want to be a “bad man”. I was afraid of being rejected or pushed away for being what I thought was masculine.

I didn’t have a clear distinction on what healthy masculine energy or qualities looked like.

I woke up one day thinking “Who am I?” “How did I get to this place in my life?” and “Fuck I don’t actually like who I am” All I did was create confusion, frustration and anger inside of me and great resentment towards women and relationships.

The truth is I was confused, frustrated and angry with myself. I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was or why I wasn’t happy, especially considering I thought I was being nice. Which I genuinely wanted to be.

I was just not aware of how to live that authentically and in a masculine way.


Becoming aware of what healthy masculine qualities looked like in a man was essential for my growth and awareness.

Some examples of healthy masculine qualities include:

• Integrity
• Honesty
• Courage
• Humour
• Leadership
• Direction
• Clarity
• Presence
• Awareness

Being supported to find my own expression of those in my body and my life became the gateway to growing beyond the limited version of masculinity that permeated my life.

Being in touch with feminine energy does not hold a man back or make him less of a man. It makes him a great man.

Feminine qualities include: 

• Vulnerability
• Compassion
• Empathy
• Understanding
• Warmth
• Connection
• Ability to receive
• Openness.

A man without feminine qualities and capacities is limited in his ability to show up as a man, to support his woman and to create a loving relationship that is nourishing for both.

I often hear men say things like “What is the point of a relationship?” “Why bother?” and “It’s not worth the hassle”!

If you’re saying these things to yourself or others in your life, then you have missed the point.

The value of a loving woman in your life is exponential. Nothing in your life will expedite growth, transformation and keep you on purpose more than a relationship with a great woman.

This is all very real, very easy to change and you can start right now.

A little attention, intention and courage and a man can be on his way immediately.


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